Have you ever woken up on just another ordinary day and before your eyes are even open your mind is racing - you fight it and yell; (no no no please not today) Every limb is made of stone and cracks and pieces crumble off with each movement. Everything from your bones to the follicles of your hair are in pain. You’ve lost yourself again and - I’ve lost myself again and- I don’t know if I ever was really found. Illusion is a foul trick depression likes to play. A conjuror of night, and now the light hurts my eyes.
My home is here- in me- in my heart. I keep myself safe inside curled up and I’m covered in dust. All my life I’ve thought my body as a prison, as a cage. An insult- who am I to deserve this physicality? I embraced it as I thought I should. I’ve only ever wanted to live in this world as myself and to do what I love. My mind holds me back from even doing that now. Instead I sit in longing and wonder if I’ll slip off the ledge into the weightless black waters speckled with stars and start again or if I’ll stand on my feet and crawl naked through barbed wire in order to be who I want to be. Who I want to be. Who I am. Who am I?
Merely a shadow in the sun and a gust of wind on a calm day. A ghost in a rocking chair on a front porch faraway. A tiny forest sprite planting trees in the forest you tore down. I’m the lump in your throat and the tight grip on your chest when you feel the same way. Yet I’m the hug when you need one. The light hand on your back to say it’s okay.
My body is my home as is yours. Sometimes it just needs a little protection. A little tending to. A light dusting. Light a candle. Hibernate. I’ll wake up me again another day.
me, in september when the leaves started changing and the weather was a little cooler: seasonal depression WHOM???????i am healthy and HAPPY and i LOVE fall! pumpkin spice lattes yas! what was i THINKING? i’m remembering it as worse than it was in years past!!
me, 8 days into november when its freezing and getting dark at 5pm: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh. oh ohoh OH. oh ya………
